The Punching Bag

"Difficulty at the beginning often means ease at the end."  -my fortune cookie

No joke, I cried when I read that fortune.  I had myself a nice little meltdown in my kitchen while cardboard containers of steaming Chinese takeout beckoned to me from my counter.   Then, I wiped my nose on my hoodie and stuffed my face with a spring roll, because in the end, we all know that food makes everything better.  

My life is so chaotic.  Does it ever get better?  Here I was, putting along, thinking that I had finally found my place, and I could sit back and enjoy my life for a little while, when WHAM...things flipped themselves upside down again.  A month or so ago, my boss marched into my store and offered me the opportunity that I have spent the last two years working for.  I was completely ecstatic.  Then, of course, reality set in, and I realized that taking the job meant (once again) packing up my world and moving a few more hours away from everything and everyone that matters to me.  I just did this a year ago, and here I go again.  And not only do I have to consider this for myself, but I have Kylie to consider as well. 

Sigh.  Life is so hard. 

I've been in a weird place.  I alternate between being thrilled with the upcoming changes and being terrified that I'm getting it all wrong.  There are the moments when I am really proud of myself for finally being recognized for being great at what I do, and then there is the underlying fear that, at some point, everyone will suddenly realize that I'm a fraud, that I'm not really as good as I make myself out to be. I have incredible self-doubt, and fear, and uncertainty.  At the same time, I know this is what I am supposed to do.  All of the puzzle pieces have fallen into place just as they should, and I have to remind myself to trust that.

My mind is such a mess, and I feel very alone.  Whatever is in store for me has to be better than where I am now.  I am so frustrated with doing everything on my own, and yet I don't know how to do things any other way.  I have this big, tough exterior, but I am the only one who is aware that it's all mushy inside.  I think it would be so much easier just to have a complete meltdown and let people think whatever they wish.

Okay, a meltdown isn't really possible right now.  I have to put on my big girl panties and be a grownup for a little while.

A really big sparkly glass of wine will make this much easier...