"Difficulty at the beginning often means ease at the end." -my fortune cookie
No joke, I cried when I read that fortune. I had myself a nice little meltdown in my kitchen while cardboard containers of steaming Chinese takeout beckoned to me from my counter. Then, I wiped my nose on my hoodie and stuffed my face with a spring roll, because in the end, we all know that food makes everything better.
My life is so chaotic. Does it ever get better? Here I was, putting along, thinking that I had finally found my place, and I could sit back and enjoy my life for a little while, when WHAM...things flipped themselves upside down again. A month or so ago, my boss marched into my store and offered me the opportunity that I have spent the last two years working for. I was completely ecstatic. Then, of course, reality set in, and I realized that taking the job meant (once again) packing up my world and moving a few more hours away from everything and everyone that matters to me. I just did this a year ago, and here I go again. And not only do I have to consider this for myself, but I have Kylie to consider as well.
Sigh. Life is so hard.
I've been in a weird place. I alternate between being thrilled with the upcoming changes and being terrified that I'm getting it all wrong. There are the moments when I am really proud of myself for finally being recognized for being great at what I do, and then there is the underlying fear that, at some point, everyone will suddenly realize that I'm a fraud, that I'm not really as good as I make myself out to be. I have incredible self-doubt, and fear, and uncertainty. At the same time, I know this is what I am supposed to do. All of the puzzle pieces have fallen into place just as they should, and I have to remind myself to trust that.
My mind is such a mess, and I feel very alone. Whatever is in store for me has to be better than where I am now. I am so frustrated with doing everything on my own, and yet I don't know how to do things any other way. I have this big, tough exterior, but I am the only one who is aware that it's all mushy inside. I think it would be so much easier just to have a complete meltdown and let people think whatever they wish.
Okay, a meltdown isn't really possible right now. I have to put on my big girl panties and be a grownup for a little while.
A really big sparkly glass of wine will make this much easier...